


The Courage To Heal

by Pline



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial, Established Relationship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Psychological Trauma, Self-blaming, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:27:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24024310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pline/pseuds/Pline
Summary: He remembers her perfume. Thick, flowery – it makes him retch.Why does he remember her perfume? Every time he smells anything like it, he wants to throw up, he wants to rush in the shower and try to wash away the stink of it.Why can’t he move on?He’s had sex with countless people over the years, especially back in his Buck 1.0 days, so why does that encounter remain? Why does it make him sick?Why does he feel so ashamed?.Buck opens up about Dr Wells, the therapist from season 1.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 53
Kudos: 706





	The Courage To Heal

**Author's Note:**

> **WARNING**  
>  This fic deals heavily with Buck's emotions over his sexual encounter with the therapist in season 1, she was in a position of power over him and took advantage of his vulnerability.
> 
> There is _**no**_ graphic depiction of the assault, but this could be disturbing to some.
> 
> Please, take care of yourself.
> 
> .
> 
> Prompt received on my tumblr ([@bilbobagglns](https://bilbobagglns.tumblr.com/))
> 
> _The one where the 118 actually take Buck sleeping with his therapist seriously! It’s statutory rape! She was in a poster of power and therefore he felt pressured into consent_

There are days Buck wishes he could take his brain out of his skull and wash it away of all the things that haunt him.

On days like this, he presses the palms of his head against his eyes, hard, as if it could erase the images dancing in his memory.

It doesn’t work. He sees it all.

He sees the people he has lost, the ones he couldn’t save and those who walked away.

He feels the pain from the truck crushing on his leg, the cold harsh sensation of the asphalt against his face.

He hears the rushing of the waves, taking Christopher away.

He tastes his own blood down his throat, coughing up his lungs, a phantom sensation he never shook away.

He smells _her_ perfume. Thick, flowery – it makes him retch.

Why does he remember her perfume? Every time he smells anything like it, he wants to throw up, he wants to rush in the shower and try to wash away the stink of it.

Why can’t he move on?

He’s had sex with countless people over the years, especially back in his Buck 1.0 days, so why does that encounter remain? Why does it make him sick?

Why does he feel so ashamed?

* * *

The first person he talks to about it is Maddie.

“Therapy really is helping me,” she says. “I think it could help you too.”

The same sick feeling that he gets every time someone mentions him going to therapy returns. He hides his hands under his legs so that his sister does not notice how much he is shaking.

“I don’t think so, Mads.”

“Come on, Buck. Everyone else goes to therapy, you don’t think it’s not helping them? You see horrible things every day, and you’ve been through so much this past year alone. You need to talk to a professional about all that.”

“No, Maddie,” he snaps. “It won’t help.”

She startles at his outburst and he bows his head down, ashamed, tired just from that.

“I’m sorry.”

“Buck. What’s going on?”

He wants to run away but this burden is so heavy and his sister has only ever wanted to help him. Maybe she will be able to tell him why he can’t forget, maybe she can tell him how to move on.

“I can’t go back to therapy,” he whispers, keeping his eyes down.

“Why?”

It’s gentle, patient. It gives him the courage to go on.

“Last time I went – ” he gulps down. Images of the last time he was in therapy surge to his mind, he closes his eyes to will them away, uselessly.

“You can tell me anything, Evan. I’m always here.”

“I slept with my therapist.”

He doesn’t see her, but he feels her freeze. Bile rises up in his throat and he tries his best to swallow it down.

“Buck,” she breathes out.

There it comes. The disappointment. The judgment. He curls up, readying himself for it.

It never comes.

“I’m so sorry, Buck.”

He snaps his eyes back to her in shock. Sorry? What for? He does not understand, he was the one to fuck up, he was the one who couldn’t control himself.

Buck, always the one to do the wrong thing, always the one to mess everything up.

“Evan, listen to me,” Maddie says, urgent, desperate but kind, always kind. “This isn’t your fault.”

“Yes, it is, I shouldn’t have – ”

“Buck, no.”

Why is he crying? Why is it so hard to breathe?

“She assaulted you.”

“No. No, that’s not what happened.”

His entire body is shaking, he can’t breathe at all anymore, he wants to run away, he wants to scratch his skin raw and forget the feel of her hands on him.

“You need to breathe, Evan. Look at me, it’s alright, I’ve got you. Breathe with me.”

It takes him the longest time to get his breathing back, and when he does, he falls into the open arms of his sister, crying the tears he never allowed himself to shed. She never lets go of him, whispering sweet nothings in his ears, and for the first time in a very long time, he feels fully safe.

* * *

Nothing changes at first.

Maddie does not bring it up again, but she makes sure he knows that she is there for him, that she is on his side.

Assaulted.

She thinks Buck was assaulted.

The word makes his skin crawl with shame. He could have said no, he didn’t say no, he must have wanted it.

That day is a blur. He remembers crying in her office, the helplessness of watching Devon let go still clinging to him. He remembers her coming to sit next to him.

And her perfume. He could never forget her perfume.

* * *

Buck is not sure how it gets brought up.

He has spent the last few days since his confession to Maddie obsessing over it.

Assaulted.

_She assaulted you._

All the emotions that he is not able to name threaten to choke him. He is losing sleep, losing himself to this whirlwind of despair, shame, anger and so much more.

Holding it in take too much of him.

One day, he breaks.

The team is together on the couch, watching a show Buck hasn’t been paying attention to. It’s a slow day, as slow as a day can be for firefighters in Los Angeles.

Buck feels restless.

He looks at his team and can’t help the thought – what would they say if they knew? Would they laugh it off, make a jest at Buck’s old sex-addict days?

Would they say the same as Maddie?

It hits him, and he can't shake the thought away. He has to know.

“If your therapist, if you were in a therapy session,” the words don’t come easy, he has to look away from his friends, unable to hold their curious gaze. “If your therapist slept with you during a session. Would it be assault?”

There’s a pause.

“Why do you ask that, Buck?” Hen asks with such gentleness Buck feels he could shatter with it.

“Would you say that’s assault?” he repeats instead, frantic.

He is looking right at her now, terrified of her answer. Which would he rather? Is there any answer that would bring him peace?

“Yes,” she says, her eyes sad. “Yes, I would say it’s assault.”

“Oh.”

He looks down at his hands. They are shaking again, but he can’t feel it. He can’t feel anything. He is empty, emptied out by that answer.

It sounds so obvious to her. She did not even hesitate.

_She assaulted you._

“Buckaroo,” Bobby tries, voice low like he is afraid Buck might flee.

He might. He wants to. It’s too heavy. He does not know what to do with this reality. He wants to laugh it off, change the subject, bury the memory deep enough that he can never reach it again.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Buck shakes his head at Chim’s question. He can’t.

“We’re here for you.”

“Don’t.”

Anger. All he can feel is anger. Anger at himself for letting himself into that situation, anger at his team for being so compassionate.

Just – anger, hot and burning and red.

“It’s not possible,” he all but shouts. “I didn’t say no, I didn’t push her away. I was just there and I let it happen, and when she asked me not to tell anyone, I didn’t. This isn’t it. I – no.”

His chest is heaving with the breaths that his lungs won’t take. Fuck. No. None of this can be real, this isn’t happening. This didn’t happen.

“Buck.”

Helpless, he turns to Eddie – his lifeline, his rock, his all.

“Tell me,” he begs.

“It’s okay,” Eddie says. “You did nothing wrong.”

“Eddie, please.”

“She was in a position of power. You were vulnerable. She took advantage of you.”

A sob escapes Buck. He reaches to Eddie who reaches right back, without any hesitation.

Held close by the love of his life, surrounded by the family that he has chosen for himself, Buck lets himself grieve, at last. He lets himself cry, be vulnerable because he knows that he is safe.

* * *

Buck files a formal complaint against Dr Wells.

His testimony opens up the dam.

Twenty-three more men come forward.

* * *

Every single step of the way, Buck is supported.

Be it Maddie, or the team or Athena, Buck is shown support in more ways that he could have ever dreamed of.

But it’s Eddie who keeps him afloat. Eddie who drives him to therapy and who holds him afterwards. Eddie who calms him down from his nightmares.

Buck never thought he could be so loved one day, and now he is. Eddie and Christopher have given him what he has always wanted – a home.

It will be a long road to recovery but Buck is strong, and he is not alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Anon if you read this, I hope you liked this.
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone, I hope I did this very serious subject justice.


End file.
